Friday, March 11, 2011

How emotions change reality

I just spent an hour or so watching videos from China.

Funny how my memories don't really jive with what I am seeing in the videos.

I don't remember sitting on the floor the afternoon after Gotcha and playing stacking cups with Grace. I don't remember her blank stare... and the tears in her eyes. I don't remember her wimper. And the absolute look of sadness, grief and fear on her face.

Perhaps I blocked it all out. Perhaps I was in such a state of happiness I didn't notice her emotions. Perhaps she has changed so much I have just forgotten. I don't know.

But now I have seen it. Oh boy... have I seen it.

I am grateful that I have this video. For her. For me. For all of us.

I want to reassure you... today, we are SO FAR from this video that was captured less than three weeks ago. I'll post a video of her now SOON!

Additionally, I finally brought myself to watching the video from the orphanage visit. Strangely... it wasn't nearly as bad as my memory of it recalls.

Besides the the screams of babies crying... I thought I remembered it being eerily quiet. Truth is... there was only one baby crying. Not several. And there was classical music playing in the background! The nanny was smiling and was happy to see Grace! She really was. Why I didn't see it the first time I'll never know. However, Grace's non-existent reaction was exactly what I remember.

So, these videos have brought me back... and helped me to remember the reality of the situation we lived through. Right now, strangely, it all seems like such a distant memory, even though it was less than three short weeks ago that we met Grace for the first time. And just one week since we have all been together as a family of six.


  1. Awww Deb, that almost made me cry. Poor thing. I don't ever think I've seen that sadness on the face of a child that young before. I am so glad that she is adjusting to you and becoming more comfortable each day. Can't wait to see the happier grace video soon. :)

  2. *Tears*! Oh gracious girl, that was heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. You are an awesome mamma and I can't wait to see the new video!

  3. Oh how touching, I've watched the video like three times because it really touches my heart deeply. I too can not wait to see the new video, God bless your precious family!

  4. Very touching. I'm so glad she is adjusting well.

  5. Have to be honest and tell you that ALL the other videos and pics had me in tears flowing for the happiness that Grace will experience in your family and that you'll experience through and because of her....

    This video..... WOW! tears of sadness for her. She must have been scared. Glad she could cry, it's a good thing, and so very happy that you both are hers forever!

    It's amazing to see how fast she can fall in love with you and trust you.... and awesome that she gets to be a part of your family!