Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Reminiscing and now what?

I found myself today reading old email exchanges with friends and family from our days prior to China, our days in China, and our days immediately following China.

As we come upon almost one year from our travel to China and as my friends prepare to leave tomorrow... I just can't help but remember and reminisce about every moment of that trip. and how just plain awesome it was.

Don't get me wrong... there were HARD days. I read an email I wrote to my friends about the our orphanage visit. Painful. Painful. Painful. I still can't and probably never will be able to write about that day. The day God broke my heart wide open for orphans. The day I vowed I would never turn my back on the orphan crisis in this world.

and the jet-lag. Oh the jet-lag. Especially coming home. Whew.

But, those days in China were simply magical. I just can't wait to watch the trip from the "outside" looking in as I read their blogs and exchange emails with them. I can't wait to experience the highs and lows with them. For there are SURE to be both.

and here we are almost one-year post adoption and I think we are finally at "normal" here. Normal being... sort of monotonous. I must say.

Don't get me wrong... we are BUSY. VERY busy actually. and the kids are GREAT. Fun and great!

But, no more China to look forward to. and no more "newness" of being a family of six. It's just NORMAL.

I realized last night, that it has been at this moment after the birth of each baby, a year or so removed and we hit "normal", that Steve and I would decide it was time for another baby... or to adopt.

and here we are... no babies in the future. and no adoptions.

So, now what?

It's a lot to wrestle with. All while appreciating the ups and downs of "normal" life and providing for our four with every ounce of love we have.

Has anyone else experienced the "Now what" feeling? cause it's sort of hitting me hard.

Not to say that life isn't full enough. But, it's been 10 years of always anticipated the next big thing.... the addition of a family member to our family. so, now what? What's the plan God? Could you fill me in? Cause it's sort of bugging me. :)

Anyway. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say these next few weeks as I watch my friends experience China.

Right now... I'm remembering.... the nervous anticipation I felt. The million thoughts swimming through my head. The brain that was such mush that it was difficult stringing a sentence together. The sadness of saying goodnight to my kids the night before we left... knowing we wouldn't see them again for more than two weeks. The brain that would NOT shut off. No sleep, prior to, during and after China. The unknowns... of China, of adoption, of Grace, of long-haul travel.

So much anticipation. and yet, so good.


  1. Been doing the exact same thing here! Not sure what He's got planned either, but wow, what a ride!

  2. oh yes---- and here we are- going again:) i pray that God takes away that feeling when He wants us to stop:) maybe you're not done?

  3. Hey Deb,

    I think you actually answered your question in your post. You said that the day the Lord opened your eyes to the orphans was painful, but that you would never turn your back.... I felt like that was some of the answer to the question. I wish I could give you exactly what that looks like...but....

    I understand your feeling, please don't take this as ''know it all'', it just popped out at me as I read.