Wednesday, February 15, 2012


As you all know... I've spent the better part of every day for the past week stalking my friends in China. :)

I've watched Gotcha Day come and go. Watched orphanage visits come and go. And watched as my friends try to help their little ones go through this very traumatic time.

I go from happy for these little loves and the future they NOW HAVE in front of them.

The future that up until three days ago was dark, at best.

But, now their lives have taken a 180 degree turn and have future that now holds MUCH promise.

But, then I have cried. Ugly cries. Tears streaming, hardly able to catch my breath, type of cries.

When I see the pictures of these sweet little loves who are so hurting so deeply.

They are scared.

They are confused.

They are grieving the loss of their loved ones, their nannies.

I can HEAR in my head the cry of a little four year old adopted on the same day as Grace... it was the deepest gut level scream you can imagine. I will never forget that sound. As his nannies walked out of the building. Oh man. I remember it like it was yesterday.

You see, these children didn't ask for this. They didn't ask for a family. They don't even know what a family is.

We think we know that this is better for them. It is. There are no doubts about that. A life in a an orphanage is NOT a life for any child.

But, adoption is routed in deep and profound loss. Several losses in fact.

and GRIEF.

Grief for everything that has been lost to them.

It is absolutely heart wrenching to watch. To experience.

It is these days that I hate adoption. I hate that this children have to suffer through this. NO CHILD should have to experience this pain.

So, when someone says Grace is "lucky"... I want to scream.

I mean, I know a compliment is being paid, they are merely commenting that she is lucky she now has a family. And maybe they are trying to say that we are "good family".



Grace and others that have come through this journey before her and those that have come after her.... they have suffered more than any child should have to suffer. They have experienced loss like no child should. They have experienced profound pain.

So, next time you want to say the word "lucky" in terms of adoption... give it a quick thought. Maybe there is a better way to say what you mean to say.

and certainly, don't ever. ever. ever. tell one of these children they are lucky. Because, they might not feel so lucky. and saying it to them might make them feel like they SHOULD feel lucky, and that is just unfair.

My thoughts. My two cents. Maybe you don't agree. Oh well. My blog, my thoughts. Ha!

Over and out.


  1. totally agree with you-- lucky that he was shut in a dark closet for 18 months? lucky that she was tied to her bed? lucky that he was had at least "moms" leave him forever? hmmm don't think so. these are survivors. and gotcha day is soooooooo very hard-- for us it's all good- we finally get to hold them- but for them- it is one of the scariest days in their lives- and my heart just breaks for the fear they must feel- being forced to trust complete strangers for everything...

    great post:)

  2. wondering if tears are part of the cleansing - trying to express our feelings when we don't know how to do that!
    Crying with you sister!

    happy tears.
    heartbroken tears.
    never going to be the same..... and didn't I say that before!

  3. Oh,'s all SO TRUE. We thought we understood the future for orphans with disabilities before China...then we came to China and asked local people...It is exactly what we knew...they need to be adopted! But the Pain! The absolute PAIN. God give us love and grace and show them Jesus time and time again...the only one who can make sense out of this madness.

  4. i can't help but think if they are so "lucky"... then why do so many of us feel so "unworthy" of being Chosen to parent these special loves? i am humbled by the orphan. i will never be the same as i was before April 2011. my eyes were opened. Praise God. thank you dear friends for your brave example and witness.

  5. Agreed!!! You are absolutely right....everything I do for Tahlia (especially in terms of comforting and consoling) is through the grid of really understanding (or trying to) the pain and loss she has suffered. Rips me apart sometimes. It's not fair. But, I have faith in a God who brings beauty from Ashes. Thanks for writing this. Well said!

  6. Very true! Thank you for your honesty, and your well - bluntness!!! I get so mad when people say that my son (6 years old, born in Guatemala)is "lucky." WE are the lucky ones...that is how we've redirected the comment. It is the truth!
    Within the next few months, we will be picking up our darling, Lily, from China. It is an exciting, yet scarey time. I fear for her loss and hope I can be as comforting as possible. We will need lots of prayers!
    Again, thank you so much for posting this and best wishes to you all!

  7. thank you so much for writing this! i feel so sad (angry?) when we get the "she's so lucky comments". i usually say "we're the lucky ones" but it runs so much deeper, as you put so well. i'm not sure how to solve my answer to the nonchelant passer-by comment, but i know that the more we all talk about it, the better equipped we are when we are talking deeper with friends and family...and our sweet little girls someday :)

  8. Deb - you gotta let us use this on WAGI. Not much more to say than that. Truly resonates with me in a deep way.