Friday, February 10, 2012

On abandonmnent

If you have never read Message from and Unknown Chinese Mother by Xinran… go and read it.

If you are an adoptive parent of a child born in China. You must.

If you are a family member of a child born in China. You should.

If you are a friend of a child of a child born in China. You should.

It is painful, excruciating actually, to read. But, it is a must.

What I learned from that book is that we cannot, should not and have no right to judge birth mother’s and birth families for their choices. From our vantage point, we simply cannot understand all the history, culture, beliefs, etc. that lead to the abandonment of children in China.

I have encountered many people over the last two years that have expressed anger and disbelief that a mother would abandon their baby.

Heck, there were times when we were in China, that I felt these things.

Anger. Disbelief. They were real feelings for me that I was not expecting.

And I cried for several days in China because of these feelings.

So, I get it.

But, almost a year later from those days in China. A year of processing those feelings, I've come to this....

We must remember that when we try to understand why.... we are using our own culture, beliefs, and biases. These are not the same everywhere and it is simply unfair to judge and condemn.

We may not understand it. But, we cannot or we should not place judgement on that which we do not understand.

I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for Grace’s birth mother.

I simply do not know all the circumstances of her life. Or of her family’s life. I cannot, I must not, judge.

I can only pray that someday, in the heavens, I will get a chance to thank her mother to mother.

and I thank God for wrapping Grace in His love and keeping her safe those 17 months while she was in China as He made arrangements for us to be her family.

And I thank Him for choosing us, so completely undeserving of His trust, to care for her.


  1. Must read this!!! I often think about Tahlias birth mom with great feelings of sadness and wonder. Tahlia was abandoned at 5 months, so it grieves me to think how attached she was to her baby girl(5 months is a long time)and how hard it must have been to make such a sacrifice. Crushes my heart.:(. I often pray for her.

  2. WELL SAID...David's birth parents kept him for a year, probably trying so hard to find a way to fix his cleft and ''abandon'' him because he was almost near death...they wanted him to live. I am positive that they loved him then and still very much love him now.

    Samuel talks about his birth mom in regular conversation, we named her and pray for her. I am doing the same with David. She is not a threat, but a blessed beginning for my boys. I thank God for her.