As we get closer and closer to our very own Gotcha Day, I have stopped watching anything related to anyone's Gotcha Day. They are just TOO PAINFUL to watch. I can't help but see our G in the videos... and I see pain. And fear. And heartbreak.
And it hurts to watch.
We can't wait to see our little girl's face in person. We can't wait to scoop her up and hold her. To see our family grow in just an instant. To call her our own. To wrap in her love... love she has never known, the love of a mother and a father.
The feelings of joy and happiness that S and I feel will not be shared by our daughter. She is probably pretty happy right where she is. She probably likes her crib. Her room. Her nannies. Her friends. Her food. And while every child deserves so much more than growing up in an orphanage. It is the ONLY life she has ever known.
Then, here come these two Americans. They look funny, talk funny and smell funny.
It's painful to think about how afraid, confused and heartbroken she will likely be. Even if she is prepared at all, she is really too young to understand.
I've had dreams about Gotcha Day. I've seen her face through a window as we enter a government building. I have heard the facilitators say her name. I have have seen her handed to me. In every dream she is crying. And so am I. She looks away. She screams. She reaches for her nanny. And I cry. Because she hurts so much.
A mother doesn't EVER want her child feeling ANY of these feelings. While there may be many tears of joy, I am sure I am going to share tears of heartbreak with her.
How does one handle such a crazy convergence of emotions?
I'm thinking I might just want to hand her back.... because it will ease her pain for the moment. I know. I KNOW that sounds crazy! But, what a mother wouldn't do to ease their child's pain even if just for a moment.
I'm not sure how to even prepare for this. I can prepare to have a baby again. Packing diapers and bottles, toys and treats. I can be prepared for illness. I can be prepared for sleepless nights and changing stinky diapers.
All of that is easy.
I cannot seem to figure out how to be prepared for heartbreak.
I pray God will see us through. He has led us this far. He has moved mountains for G to become a part of our family. So, I must trust in Him. I pray that God helps to prepare our little G for the two (actually five) strangers that will come into her life and turn it upside down. I also pray that He will prepare this mother to help her daughter heal from the pain that IS adoption. On Gotcha Day. During our two weeks in China. The first few weeks home. And on ALL the days in our future.