Forever in our arms

Our sweet Grace Lin XiaoYun. You are an orphan no longer. Our hearts are overflowing with love.

Gotcha details.

As our bus pulled up to the registration building parking lot, the three kids from Jiaozuo had just arrived and were getting out of the car. Yisha says "Jiaozuo families... get ready!"

and I screamed. yes. I screamed.

then the video cameras started rolling and the cameras started snapping.

We followed them into the building and put down our things... her name was called and she was in our arms. Two minutes after we walked in the building! She was the quietest of all the kids... sort of scary quiet. Her eyes looked all glazed over.

Then the orphanage director told us she was sick (throat infection is what we were told) and they gave us a medicine that she has been on for three days. I thought it was an antibiotic. But, now I think it was just a some sort of cold medicine. She has a nasty sounding juicy cough coming from her chest.

The craziness of the room we were in is completely unexplainable..... people, our friends, getting children put in their arms. Crying kids. Crying parents. Our guides and nannies talking back and forth making sure all the questions get answered. Flashed going off. Sheer chaos.

Some of the children were absolutely screaming. and they screamed even louder as their nannies walked out of the room. Grace stayed quiet the whole time. She ate some puffs and played with a rattle toy... she even grinned a little.

While on the bus on the way back... she was sweating like crazy. She felt really warm and she was really dazed over. She finally fell asleep. The traffic was terrible on the way back to the hotel and all I wanted to do was get the 4 layers of clothes off of her because I knew she had a fever. She did.

One of the other mom's in our group happens to be a Physician's Assistant that works in a pediatricians office (how convenient)... I talked her and decided to take her off the medicine that she was on and start her on the antibiotic that we brought with us. Her cough is really nasty sounding.

So, this afternoon, we have given her two bottles of formula which she has sucked down without any problem from the special cleft bottle we brought with us. and she took a nap.

But, she is very, very quiet. Like totally glazed over and in shut down mode. Poor thing.

S spent about an hour with Yisha (our guide) preparing paperwork for the registration appointment tomorrow (the day that the adoption becomes finalized).

Meanwhile we will continue to work to break down the wall that seems to be up around our daughter. I know it will come with time. S and I are totally and completely in love.

14 hours...

We arrived in Zhengzhou at about noon today after a short flight from Beijing. We met our CCAI guides (Yisha and Rita) who will guide us through the next several days. We had a guide with us in Beijing as well. But, this was MUCH different.

On the bus we were handed our day-to-day itinerary while we are here. Instructions on preparing paperwork, money and gifts. We were given our identification cards that match us with our daughter. We were given new information about what she is eating, how she sleeps, what comforts her and what she does and doesn't like.

By the way... we had the pronunciation of her middle name a little wrong. It's Yun... as in U-en... two syllables. HA! Oops.

We went from a group of 14 having a grand old time touring around Beijing to a bunch of scared almost-parents (even though many of us have been parents for a while... THIS is different!). Yisha, our guide, in GREAT... but this is business... she's got a lot of information to give us, she has a lot of paperwork to help us complete, and she needs our full attention.

We aren't in Beijing anymore. :)

The wait finally end in 14 hours.

OH... you want to know what was written in our update about G.

She is walking!
She drinks four bottles day and has crackers twice a day - that's it.
She likes to have a bath.
She is active and lively (uh oh?)
She likes her stuffed animal (hope it comes with her!)

Unfortunately, this is about all the additional information that there was. It was disappointing. It just goes to show how little personal attention these little ones get... and it is so sad. But I digress.

Tomorrow..... tomorrow... tomorrow.

B, K and D...

We love when you write comments on the blog! We love you. We miss you. Our heart overflows with love for you guys EVERY day..... it just keeps growing!!!! I hope you had a great time with Auntie Dodo, Nana, Uncle Cook and the boys this weekend. Next time we skype... you will be able to meet your new sister. LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!

SO CLOSE

We will practically breathe the same air tonight. She is so close.

Tomorrow at 9:30am 7 families will leave for the Provincial Registration office. Approximately 1/2 hour later... 7 families will be united with their children. The world will have 7 less orphans.

In just three short hours from now, our XiaoYun will go to bed as an orphan just one final time. Tomorrow she will be ours. Tomorrow we will FINALLY hold her in our arms.

Meanwhile, as the crib gets delivered to our hotel room, as I pack a diaper bag, as I clean bottles, and pack cheerios....our stomach churns... in excitement, in fear, in anxiety and even, in sadness. I written here, about how hard it is to think about what Grace will feel tomorrow. I pray she will have peace. I pray that she senses the safety in our arms. I pray our hearts are united together.

I ask that you all pray for us... we need it. Tomorrow is most surely going to be an challenging day full of many unknowns and many emotions. We CAN'T WAIT to meet our daughter.

short video of our climb...

Great Wall of China!

Perhaps one of the most amazing things I have ever seen or done... today we climbed the Great Wall. OK... I'll admit, I didn't do much of it, Steve did more. It was really, really HARD to climb. And crazy scary coming down! But, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

Going up...

If you look on the ridge to the right (by the tree branch) you can see (barely) in the distance a tower. Steve hiked all the way there... I hiked a bit past the first and second tower. It is CRAZY steep. And each step is either 5 inches high or about 16 inches high or somewhere in between. Very uneven, very, very steep and very difficult.

Seriously... I can't believe we actually took these pictures!

I can't express how beautiful it was. Parts of these walls are thousands of years old. They built them during a time when there was no machinery to help... just the physical strength of man. Therefore our guide wouldn't take us to the part of the wall where you can ride a cable car or something up... we had to use our own physical strength to get up the wall, so we could appreciate how difficult it was to build. It worked.

The wall is approximately 5000 miles long. Unbelievable.



Here is a picture of our travel group. Have I mentioned that they are awesome!!!!

and a few more sites that might look familiar to you.... the birds nest and the water cube from the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Sadly... the birds nest is now used for NOTHING. Can you believe that?


Our day ended with and unsuccessful hunt of a Nike shirt with Just Do It written in Chinese characters. We were instructed where to go... and could not find it. We walked and walked. No luck. Then we had to find our way back to the hotel.

Steve insists we weren't lost. I happen to disagree... I say when it's dark outside, when you don't know what street you are on (because you can't read the signs), when you can't read the map because it's also in Chinese, when a cab driver refuses to drive you because you don't speak Chinese (even though we could have pointed on the map where we needed to go), when you can't ask anyone for help because you don't speak their language and you are TIRED... you are LOST!!!!!!!

Since I am blogging safely from our hotel room, we did find our way back. So, maybe Steve was right. BUT, it sure felt like we were lost there for a little while... and when you are in Beijing China and can't speak a word of Mandarin, it's a little scary.

So, this ends our touring of Beijing. Starting tomorrow... our trip become a much different trip then what we have experienced so far. We will be flying to Zhengzhou, Henan Province tomorrow morning. Being in province will be much different from being in Beijing. For starters, no Starbucks!

We are less than 36 hours away from meeting our Grace Lin XiaoYun and we CANNOT wait! Our travel group will grow in size by 7. And I can't wait to see all those children with their forever families!

Touring Beijing - Day 1

What an amazing day!!

The 200 pictures we took today do not do one bit of justice to the sites that we saw. The intricate detail at Forbidden City or the great expanse of Tienanmen Square. The smells and the sounds... don't come through on film. But, trust me when I say... it was all amazing.


Tienanmen Square... the largest city square in the world. Site of many proud and not-so-proud moments in China's history.

I still can't believe it... that's US... standing in Tienamnen Square. :)

Below... here we are in front of the third one of these type of buildings... this one is where the Emperor's throne sits... AMAZING! After going through I think three of four of these "gates" you finally reach the inner court of the emperor's palace. Very few people were allowed to enter the palace, thus the reason it has been named the "Forbidden City".




Did you all see the new Karate Kid? Yeah... that's those gold knobs that you rub for luck!


Again the detail of these buildings is absolutely amazing. Oh and did I say they are HUGE and there are lots of them!

We also had the opportunity to visit Hutong Village... or Old Beijing. We were able to enter a home of a grandmother, daughter, son-in-law and grandson that live in one of the 600 year old homes. There were three of these small buildings around the courtyard that make up the home. They are not connected inside, you must walk outside to get to the other room of the house. This particular picture is of the Grandmother's portion of the home (the eldest always lives in the room facing south because it is warmest in the winter and coldest in the summer... NO HEAT!). The red banner on either side of the door and above the door are traditional banners hung during Chinese New Year (most people still have them up since CNY just ended)... they offer luck and good wishes to family that enter the home. The grandmother did the calligraphy for these banners which is starting to become a lost art in China. Really beautiful.

This is the Grandmother's bedroom... and her desk where she practices her calligraphy.

Like I said... nothing here does it justice, and I'm not sure you all want to "hear" me ramble on and on about it. But, what a GREAT day.

Additionally, we have now met the other 6 families in our travel group. They are so much fun, so interesting and so NICE. Very grateful for our group!

So, I'll leave you with a couple funny tidbits. No eyeballs in my soup today... but we did have bean curd and fried noodles for breakfast. Luckily... also corn flakes and croissants. Here's a picture of Steve's breakfast plate. :)



The food is SO good!!!!! and I really mean that. We are loving every last noodle.

And finally... this was one of my stops today.


Yes... that is a hole in the floor... and yes... you had to squat to use it.... and yes...I was one of those Americans that took a picture... and yes... I DID just blog about it.

Thoughts from the first 1/2 day

And advice for future adoption travelers.

A 13.5 hour flight is as long as it sounds like it would be.

If anyone is traveling to China anytime soon... my advice, don't bother packing anything but perhaps a travel pillow in a bag for the flight. Because once your backpack is "securely stowed underneath the seat in front of you"... you won't be able to get it out because the seat in front of you will be reclined the whole flight leaving about 4 inches of space between you and the seat back. So, instead take out your pillow from your bag and put the bag in the storage compartment. You'll have more room for your feet so you can actually move them. DON'T do what we did... two backpacks and a camera bag stuck by our feet for 13.5 hours made an uncomfortable flight even more uncomfortable. We were so grateful for in-flight entertainment system... enough movies, tv shows, games, etc to keep anyone occupied for quite a long time.

You CAN find a place for coffee at 4:30 am... we know because Steve went on the hunt this morning after we woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall back to sleep.

It's a lot of fun learning how to say words in Mandarin. Everyone so far has been SO nice and patient with us. I love that my husband is willing to try to learn how to say anything, and willing to eat anything!

Dinner last night was an experience. I'm sure we offended every person around us with our rude American behavior. First, we were so tired we literally had trouble keeping our eyes open at the table. Second, we stink at using chopsticks. I had a shrimp wonton noodle soup. It was quite yummy (except for the unidentifiable eyeball looking thing floating in it... I just didn't eat that) , but I had trouble picking up the wontons, so Steve picked them up and fed it to me. Steve was slurping his noodles a lot. :)

Pointing and gesturing is critical to communication success. Sort of fun! Anyway, the waitress pointed to what we owed on our check, but I swear it was wrong because our whole meal cost cost 80 RMB... $13 US dollars. And we had an appetizer, two main dishes and a bottle of water.

No worries friends, there is a Starbucks down the street. :)

We went for a walk yesterday to stay awake. We intended on crossing the street, but gave up when we realized, unless we risked our life, we weren't getting across. We tried to stay with the natives... but even they couldn't cross.

Skype is awesome! We have already seen/talked to the kids TWICE!

This one is for you R - S says... there IS ESPN, however it only seems to carry European soccer.

Unfortunately, our extreme fatigue last night stopped us from enjoying the last night of the Lantern Festival. However, at about 11 pm, I was woken by a TON of fireworks going off outside... it lasted for about an hour, non-stop. I'm sure it would have been cool to see, but I enjoyed thinking about all the people celebrating the Lantern festival.... while I happily slept. Too bad it wasn't tonight, perhaps we could have enjoyed it more.

We are going to meet the rest of our travel group in about 1/2 hour and have a day of sightseeing planned.

OK. Sort of random thoughts so far. I know... kind of boring.

3 days until Gotcha Day!!!!!!!

We made it!

Whew. That was one LOOOONNNNNGGGG flight. All I kept thinking the whole way was... HOW are we going to do this with a 17 month old?!

oh and... "my butt hurts!"

I'm having trouble uploading any pictures. It seems like the internet connection is quite slow. Hopefully I get the matter resolved somehow. But, right now... I can barely spell my name, never mind figure out how to upload pictures more efficiently.

Anyway, just wanted to write a quick post to let you know we made it safe. Now we are going to find something to do to keep us awake for the next 5 hours or so. Today is the last day of the Lantern Festival so there will be celebrations in the street tonight. Looking forward to seeing that... if we can stay awake that long.

OH... one more thing....

They served burritos on the plane halfway though the trip. Burritos?????

We're off!

Here we are in the Newark airport getting ready to board our almost 14 hour flight to Beijing.

We were up at 3:30 am this morning... after not sleeping much last night. S and I have spent more time alone together since 4:30 than we have in the last 8 years. I pretty sure we have already run out of things to talk about. :)

Saying goodbye to the kids last night was so hard. But, for such a good reason... so we will survive, and so will the kids. They are in very good hands.

OK. Signing off for now... "see" you on the other side of the world!

Here's the plan....

Wednesday, 2/16 - leave at some unheard hour for the airport

Thursday, 2/17 - arrive Beijing at 2:30 pm (that would be 1:30 am EST)

Friday , 2/18 - Tiananmen Square, Forbidden City, Hutong Tour

Saturday, 2/19 - Great Wall and the Ming Tombs

Sunday, 2/20 - fly to Zhengzhou, Henan Province

Monday, 2/21 - GOTCHA DAY!!!! We will meet Grace on Monday afternoon. We will sign guardianship paperwork, have Grace's passport photo taken and prepare a lot more paperwork

Tuesday, 2/22 - free day in Zhengzhou

Wednesday, 2/23 - travel to Jiaozuo (that is the city where Grace currently lives) and sign Adoption Registration papers - Grace will official be our daughter!

Thursday, 2/24 - prepare more papers

Friday, 2/25 - receive Grace's passport... fly to Guangzhou

Saturday, 2/26 - adoption physical and visa photos

Sunday, 2/27- prepare consulate appointment paperwork

Monday, 2/28 - US Consulate appointment - take the oath

Tuesday, 3/1 - free day in Guangzhou (wait as Consulate prepares Grace's visa)

Wednesday, 3/2 - receive Grace's visa

Thursday - FLY HOME!!!!

HOPEFULLY... I will blogging all along the way. So, check in frequently... and leave us words of encouragement! Because, there is no doubt, we will need it!

2 days

I could list to you all the things that I've been doing in the last several days. But, that would be pretty boring. Let's just say... details, details and details... and more trips to Target than, even I, would like.

The kids are excited. Believe it or not. Time spent with Grandma and Grandpa, sleep-overs at Auntie's house. Seems like a good time to them! K and D don't really understand the concept of time, so until they are living through it, I don't think they will understand how long we will be gone. And that is a good thing.

As for me. I'm sleeping ok. My stomach is not too happy. But, I guess that is to be expected. I'm DREADING tomorrow evening and putting my three loves to bed and saying goodbye.

But, at the same time, I can't stop staring at pictures of Grace, who seems to be SCREAMING at me through pictures to come and get her. So, as God has called me... I will GO.

I have no idea what lies ahead for us over the next several weeks. I expect it will be everything and nothing like we imagined. I expect it will be filled with emotions we have never felt before... perhaps good and bad. I expect that we will get sick of Chinese food. I expect I will experience the meaning of the word "tired" like never before. I expect that everything I expect will probably be dead wrong.

I look forward to spending the next 15 days with an incredible man, my dear husband, by my side. Who sees things through rose color glasses all. the. time. He is SO good for me.

As I set off for another day of crossing off the last remaining things on my "to-do" list... I thank God for setting us on this journey and providing for us in EVERY way.

Nothing SWEETER than a sleeping baby

Oh

My

Goodness

Be still my heart.

9 days until we can meet this beautiful gift from God.

Showered with love

I'm a little delayed posting about this event! I've been busy with a list of things to do that is a mile long and seems to just to get longer.

In one week... we will be on our way to Beijing.

A few weeks ago, my very best friend had a beautiful baby shower for me (and Grace) with a few of my close friends and family.

It was just perfect. In every way. My best friend knows me better than I know myself. She knows exactly what I would like. And what I need. A few weeks ago... before we received our TA.... I needed something like this. I needed for my friends and family to shower me and Grace with love. It was a difficult time. I could write a long post about that time... but for another day.

She (with love and support from other friends and family) showed love in every little detail.





Pink lady bugs everywhere. Pink gift bags. And teeny tiny pink clothes.


We are truly blessed with the support we have received from friends and family this past year.

And as for my best friend... I don't deserve her. She pulled me through (again) a most difficult time. She held me up as a was falling. And she showered me and Grace with love right when I needed it most. I am so very thankful for her.

There is a crib in our house.

Gulp.

Oh and all that stuff on the floor...

That's my packing pile. It's actually more organized than it looks.

OK. Maybe not.

11 days.

Random thoughts with 14 days to go

• I'm tired of this snow
• It better stop by February 16th
• I better not miss the Great Wall of China because of snow
• I know that is not why we are going to China
• but still
• My husband's arms hurt from raking our roof
• for four hours
• and it's snowing again
• today
• how am I going to fit all our stuff in two suitcases
• that is NOT possible
• do I really need to bring all this over the counter pharmacy stuff
• Yes
• my parent's are in San Francisco
• It's 65 degrees there
• I hope they come home
• I might not if I were them
• I'm going to have four kids
• but I only have two hands
• and one bathroom
• maybe I can put a chip-in button on our blog to raise money for a toilet?
• I do have 30 followers and all
• I know there are more out there... they just need to come out of hiding
• I might lose some after this post though
• my arm still hurts from the tetanus shot I got last week
• I now have more empathy for my kids when they have vaccines
• D was supposed to have four TODAY
• appointment cancelled
• cause it's snowing
• did I mention that already?
• Leaving these three kiddos is going to be SO hard
• I'm not sure how I'm going to do it
• Grace's room is not done
• It's not going to be done
• oh well
• it's pink though
• believe it or not... I'm going to miss work when I am out for 12 weeks
• I love my work
• my kids are falling apart a bit
• B cried for 45 minutes the other night for very silly reasons
• D seems to have forgotten how to use the bathroom
• My Miss K is going to be very, very sad
• are we crazy?
• perhaps
• I'm pretty sure everyone has stopped reading this by now because it's really dumb
• I can't focus for more than one minute to write anything of more substance
• do I have to clean my closets before my parents come to stay here for two weeks?
• too bad... they are going to see my messy closets
• and basement
• and furnace room
• People ask me what Grace is eating
• Sadly... we don't really know the answer to this question
• It's amazing how LITTLE we know about her
• that's scary
• this is all pretty scary
• just a couple more weeks and she will no longer be an orphan
• she will have
• a Mom
• a Dad
• two brothers
• and a sister
• Grandparents
• Aunts
• Uncles
• Cousins
• a Family
• The end

Little busy

Hard to believe that in three weeks we will be in Zhengzhou.

In three weeks, we will be just one day from meeting our beautiful daughter.

In three weeks, our daughter will be an orphan just one more day.

Between now and then...

We've got a little packing to do.

And a whole lot of planning for childcare for B, K and D!

For the 16 days that we are away we are testing the "it takes a village" philosophy.

Primary caregivers will be my parents who will stay at our house with the kids on the weekdays. On the weekends, the kids will stay with my in-laws.

I have friends that are helping out mid-week to give my parents a break. I have friends providing after-school childcare and friends doing pick-up and drop-offs. I have friends that have volunteered to make sure our driveway gets cleared if it snows. I have friends that are allowing us to use a spot in their driveway to park S's car... so there is room in my driveway for other cars. And the list goes on and on... We are feeling so blessed to have so many supportive friends and family without whom this would all be impossible.

I have contact lists to make for schools. And asthma treatment instructions to make. I have doctor's appointment to make. And doctor's appointment to cancel.

OH and I have to go to work. And Steve has to work TWO jobs.

Meanwhile, life goes on for the three kiddos.... cub scouts, daisies, basketball, birthday parties and school projects.

Needless to say... it's a little busy.

But, so amazingly good.

Dates!

I've got so much to update on here... like all about my super fabulous baby shower that my friends and family had for me (and Grace) on Saturday!!! And pictures of all kinds of cute girlie girl stuff. But, I just haven't had time yet...

So, for now, a quick update...

We have a consulate appointment - February 28th.

We will be leaving on February 16th and will arrive in Beijing the afternoon of February 17th. We will be coming home on March 4th.

Still to be determined is when we will meet Grace. I believe it will be Monday, February 21st, but that's not definite yet.

OK. I'm off to tackle my list of one hundred things to do today on my day off.

It's busy... but it's SO GOOD!!

TWO LETTERS!!!

We were given two options for possible travel dates... on or about February 16th or on or about February 23rd. We will wait to hear from our agency to confirm our consulate appointment and then be able to book our travel.

Yes... that could be as little as three weeks and two days away!

WAHOO!!!!!

WE ARE COMING GRACE!!!!!

No TA yet

I've got nothing to say...

Except this really stinks.

That would be an understatement.

I keep trying to look at the bright side but I can't seem to find anything bright about it.

Rumor has it that the Consulate Appointments in Guangzhou are all filled up for February. So, if even if we got our TA today, we will have to have a March consulate appointment. Which means LATE February travel.

That really stinks.

That is also an understatment.

The weekday routine that I'd like to see change

Starting at about 11 am every day, and then every minute that goes by thereafter, my stomach knots up just a bit more. As the day passes, I get to the point of not being able to eat and feeling rather pukey.

And if you can't tell by the chubby pictures of me... not being able to eat, isn't something that happens often.

I check my email every 5 minutes. all. afternoon. long. If my phone buzzes at me that I have a new email... my heart skips a beat. I rush over to check and then I swear at the person that dare send an email at 4:30. I mean don't they know what I'm going through here? ... how dare they tease me. :)

At about 6:30, I give up hope. The queasiness in my stomach turns to a lump in my throat and a feeling of sadness overcomes... and then I go eat some chocolate.

My stomach says... "now that's more like it!"

I go to bed, praying tomorrow will be the day.

I know this routine well now because it has happened every weekday for the past 6.

And I have to admit, it's getting rather old.

Come on Monday, let's break the cycle. TA today?!?! Please?!?!

Shovel while you wait

Nothing Monday. Nothing Tuesday. Nothing Wednesday.

Tomorrow will be 14 days since our Article 5.

Really China... you can send our TA anytime now.

Because I am beginning to think I might not survive this wait.

At least today I was distracted for SIX hours as we shoveled. and shoveled. and shoveled. and then shoveled some more... the almost two feet of snow we got here today.

Wow. This was a snow storm. I've lived in New England my whole life and I have never seen so much snow. We have nine foot snow piles that line our driveway. Crazy.

The kids were happy. Although D really couldn't even walk in it, neither could K.

Climbing the snow piles was the order of the day. And they are pretty amazing snow piles. These pictures really don't seem to do it justice. This snow storm will be one that our kids will remember and say "I remember when it used to snow so much it was up to our waist".... because it REALLY was up to their waist. Actually, in D's case, it was up to his shoulders.

We're buried in, in New England!

When does it become reality - continued...

... from here.

When you buy a size 12 month purple polka dot coat.

When you paint a room pink.

When you buy a jumbo box of size 3 DIAPERS.

When you clip coupons for gerber graduates.

We you paint a room pink.

When you say "we're going to China next month"...

NEXT MONTH!

When little girls' clothes hang in the closet waiting to be worn.

When you see her face.

Waiting for Monday... again

I'm disappointed. Because I was HOPING. But I shouldn't have been.

It's only been 8 days since our Article 5. Average wait for Travel Authorization is about 20 days. So I really shouldn't have been hoping something would come today.

But, when you've come this far... and you are so darn close... you just can't help it.

So, here we are again... waiting for Monday. Because travel authorizations don't come on the weekends.

BUT, they DO come on Mondays!

It's going to be a LONG weekend.

PS. oh... there's no guarantee it will come Monday either. But, here's hoping!

Preparing

When we started this journey (officially) 10 months ago.... every night I would watch "Gotcha Day" videos on YouTube. I have watched countless videos of children meeting their parents for the first time.

As we get closer and closer to our very own Gotcha Day, I have stopped watching anything related to anyone's Gotcha Day. They are just TOO PAINFUL to watch. I can't help but see our G in the videos... and I see pain. And fear. And heartbreak.

And it hurts to watch.

We can't wait to see our little girl's face in person. We can't wait to scoop her up and hold her. To see our family grow in just an instant. To call her our own. To wrap in her love... love she has never known, the love of a mother and a father.

The feelings of joy and happiness that S and I feel will not be shared by our daughter. She is probably pretty happy right where she is. She probably likes her crib. Her room. Her nannies. Her friends. Her food. And while every child deserves so much more than growing up in an orphanage. It is the ONLY life she has ever known.

Then, here come these two Americans. They look funny, talk funny and smell funny.

It's painful to think about how afraid, confused and heartbroken she will likely be. Even if she is prepared at all, she is really too young to understand.

I've had dreams about Gotcha Day. I've seen her face through a window as we enter a government building. I have heard the facilitators say her name. I have have seen her handed to me. In every dream she is crying. And so am I. She looks away. She screams. She reaches for her nanny. And I cry. Because she hurts so much.

A mother doesn't EVER want her child feeling ANY of these feelings. While there may be many tears of joy, I am sure I am going to share tears of heartbreak with her.

How does one handle such a crazy convergence of emotions?

I'm thinking I might just want to hand her back.... because it will ease her pain for the moment. I know. I KNOW that sounds crazy! But, what a mother wouldn't do to ease their child's pain even if just for a moment.

I'm not sure how to even prepare for this. I can prepare to have a baby again. Packing diapers and bottles, toys and treats. I can be prepared for illness. I can be prepared for sleepless nights and changing stinky diapers.

All of that is easy.

I cannot seem to figure out how to be prepared for heartbreak.

I pray God will see us through. He has led us this far. He has moved mountains for G to become a part of our family. So, I must trust in Him. I pray that God helps to prepare our little G for the two (actually five) strangers that will come into her life and turn it upside down. I also pray that He will prepare this mother to help her daughter heal from the pain that IS adoption. On Gotcha Day. During our two weeks in China. The first few weeks home. And on ALL the days in our future.